eMEDICINE for the Heart

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little boy lost

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter. Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before”?

sobra-tawa

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Math Problem

An eleven-year-old boy was failing math in a private school. His parents

tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the

insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a Catholic school.

After the first day of school, the boy’s parents were surprised when he walked in

with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight

past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled

away in his room – with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.

He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight

back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter’s report card.

The boy walked in with it unopened – laid it on the dinner table and went straight to

his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large

black ‘A’ under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son’s room, thrilled at his

remarkable progress. “Was it the priests that did it?” the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said “No.” “Was it the one-to-one tutoring?

The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?”

“No”, said the son. “On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy

nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!”                    (a.u.)

chick laughing                                               ***************************************************************************

The Jewish Elbow ¦

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.”You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?””Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………”What? You’re coming empty handed?”                                                                                                                                                                                         (a.u.)

sobra-tawa

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man.He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper’s cemetery in the back country.As I was not familiar with the
backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for
directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place.I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.The workers
put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my
car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that
before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost… It’s a man thing.                                 (a.u)

blowing bubbles

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Johnny wanted to discuss the use of the family car with his father. So his father made a deal with him. “If you bring up your grades, read the bible a little each day, do your chores at home and cut your hair, we will talk about it later.”

A month later, the father said, “Yes, Johnny, i’m impressed with your grades, your bible reading, your chores, etc., but you didn’t cut your hair.”

Johnny looked at his father and said, “Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, even Jesus had long hair.”

The father replied, “I know, and they walked everywhere they went.”

Monkey

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Teacher: “where is God?”

1st child: God is in heaven.

2nd child: God is in our hearts.

3rd child: God is in the tabernacle in the church.

4th child: God is in our bathroom.

Teacher asked why. The child responded, “every morning my mother is in there putting up her make-up. My father goes up to the door and knocks, tries to open it and says, “God, are you still in there?”

sobra-tawa

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A little boy approached his father and asked, “Dad, is it true that we came from dust and will go back to dust when we die?”

The father answered, “That’s right, son.”

The boy said, “come quick! Under my bed, there is someone either coming or going!”

laughing

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The altar servers had a camping trip. As the priest was vesting for the evening Mass, one of the altar servers came in. The Priest asked, “Johnny, how come you did not go on the camping trip?” How come you came today to serve mass?”

The boy said, “Well, Father, if I did not come, who would wash away your iniquities and cleanse you from your sins?”

blowing bubbles

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Good Math
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, How many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Very angry Teacher: Where do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I already have one at home!!! 

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This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.

And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”

She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.” 

She says“I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

(Pause)

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio…. “Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . .

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An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’ 
 
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
****************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ……
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’
**********

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.

**********

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’                                                                                                             (author unknown)


The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”                                                                   (author unknown)
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Kids are Quick 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O -D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: ! Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

MILLIE: I is…

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do yo u call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

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Teacher: Why are you late, Frank?
Frank: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Frank: The one that says, ‘School Ahead, Go Slow’.

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God is missing

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit’s end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?”

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, “WHERE IS GOD?”

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, “What happened?”

The younger brother replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!”

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Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in   Antarctica   – where do they go ?It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: 


          “Freeze a jolly good fellow”
          “Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
          “Freeze a jolly good felloooooooooooooooow.”

 Then they kick him into the hole.


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How sweet, so perfect

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to  open or ask her about.

 For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying  to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, ” my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

 “Honey,” he said, “that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.” 

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An officer stopped at a ranch , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.The officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me !”Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this badge?!  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !!   No questions asked or answers given!!  Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!

“The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs,

“Your badge, show him your BADGE…….. ! !”       

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
was physically impossible.
 The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.
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  A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like’.

Looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute’.

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 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 


After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
‘Thou shall not kill.’

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Mummy, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher,
she’s dead.’

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’‘Yes,’ the class said. 

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted, ‘Cause your feet ain’t empty’.

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want.  God is watching the apples’.

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Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest,’ Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’
‘Shirley Goodnest?’ Who the heck is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’

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Too Rough

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

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That Baby in There

For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?” Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

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Tithing…

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

 *******************************************************************

Saying Grace

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

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Children in Church

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under five.”

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Pastor’s Kids

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked. “Why, God tells me”, the father replied. “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

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Parenting

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!”

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First Things First

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“No!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was,”No!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “You gotta be dead!”

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Wittle Wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
“Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”

And the shopkeeper bends way down and puts his hands on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby? Or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet little voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally cares.”

(Authors unknown, n.d.)

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Crying over what?

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One Half Horse Power

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2 Responses to eMEDICINE for the Heart

  1. Rachel says:

    Read some to make me laugh… Thanks Fr.
    Rachel

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